Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
