Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm really busy with my period
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