News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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