In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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