you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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