So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize