I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
pop tarts are not kleenex
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize