my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
