walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
