i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
why do cheetos always look like penises
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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