my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
