what day is it and did you see me today?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
