First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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