I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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