Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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