im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
