Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
