I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
