I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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