how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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