i just had sex bonerless
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
