A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
