I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
