Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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