i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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