Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
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