there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
