everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize