I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
