You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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