Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
