Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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