there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
