Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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