Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
