Duck Duck Cougar?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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