The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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