I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
