Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
