If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
