i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
