I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
