That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
