I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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