Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
