Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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