I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
