Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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