my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
