Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
