I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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