I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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