i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
