Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
