i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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