when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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