My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
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