Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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