my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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