So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize